I don’t know if you have noticed, but unwelcome guests seem to show up at the most inappropriate of times.
The last time Daisy and Donald dropped in was a decade ago and you might think that’s not so bad, nor too often, or even something to complain about.
But you see they overstay their unwelcome and their habits don’t seem to coincide with our lifestyle.
It often takes me weeks with more than obvious tactics to suggest they leave — but they don’t seem to get the message.
A friend of mine once said that guests that stay with another family for more than three days is like having a cinder in your eye.
We try to tell them we have too many guests that we can’t reason with to accommodate any more, but they refuse to listen — I think they think they are part of the same family of those guests we can’t reason with.
You see these recently arrived guests are Daisy and Donald Duck — and they are not welcome. I think it’s Donald who is trying to take advantage of me by bonding with my first name and calling me ‘bro.’ I even told him I don’t like this slang term because I perceive it as being liberal — even if it is coming from a Duck.
And these ducks drop in from the sky and daily I chase them away with a water spray or my presence.
I try to explain to Donald that we have to put up, without recourse, with the Ospreys and their nest in the Norfolk Pine, the raccoons pooping in our pool, the squirrels scampering through our palms, the red foxes giving my wife pleasure as they walk by, the Blue Heron’s sipping my water from the pool and the egrets eating our grubs.
I try to reason with Donald that we are not the Federal Government providing entitlements to those that feel that they are entitled to encroaching on my land and expecting me to provide room and board and that I don’t buy into wealth redistribution.
I tried to tell him that I had to put my foot down where I can and prevent anymore entitlements, or encroaching ducks, on my land, enough is enough, I said.
He then came back and said,”Look bro, this is discrimination, you can let some of us in because you can’t do something about it, and not let others of our family in because you can keep us out with Fascists tactics — it just isn’t politically correct, bro.”
It was then that ‘bro’ got to me.
I called the local paper up and put the following classified ad in it:
“Wanted: Retiree to pool sit, get suntan, free block available, cool off in heated pool, watch Ospreys nest and parents push baby Ospreys out of nest to fly; when not swimming, sit with hose in hand and spray Daisy and Donald before they poop in pool. Re-numeration: A chance to relax and get away from your wife, a benefit far greater than the minimum wage . . . reduces blood pressure.”