Travel is so much fun these days I haven’t been doing much of it.  But recently I reacquainted myself with what I have been missing.

It all began with the emptying of the bags I just packed and undressing what I just put on to the point that my pants were falling down because I had no belt, and then I found myself shoeless, somewhat like Joe Jackson before I stepped  into a full body scan.

Once scanned I was  immediately asked what I had in my left hand shirt pocket?  I said I have my boarding ticket and my passport which you require.  “Take both out of your pocket and hold it in your left hand,” the TSA agent said.

Then he said,” What do you have in your right hand pants pocket?”  I said, “Money”.  He said, “show me.”  And I pulled out a wad of cash. He said, “Okay.”

So I asked him if he found anything else.  He said what do you mean?  I said, well as a taxpayer I just payed for a full body scan.  How was everything hanging, did you find any cancer or heart disease? After all there must be some benefit to me for paying for this full body scan where you examined every part of my anatomy?  Or, is this just a possible health hazard that my next of kin will find out about long after I am gone?

He said, “You know sir what we are looking for.”  I said, “Yes, and you found it – my cash!  However, I wish you would send a report on the scan to my doctor.”

I then proceeded to re-pack and re-dress.  I was in the brand spanking new American Airlines terminal at Miami Airport and running late due to an accident on one of the off ramps and as you might suspect my departure gate was D44.  Yes, it seemed as though it was 44 miles from my full body scan.

I was one of the last to board.  My very attentive Flight Attendant asked me if I would like a drink, I said, “Yes, I could use one after going through a complete medical exam going through screening and walking 44 miles to catch this flight.  I’ll have a gin and tonic.”

I was on my way to St. Thomas with a final destination of St. John.

We were about an hour into the flight and I was into my second gin and tonic and my very attentive Flight Attendant asked me if I would be joining ‘us’ for lunch.  I said sure, but I didn’t know if it was with him or the first class section.

I asked him if we were on a 777, because the plane was configured in a very similar way.  “Oh, thank you,  but no, this is a 757 with a new interior design.”

“I know you gave me some headsets for music, but I’m not getting any sound.  And, is there a movie?  He said, “I’m sorry but our audio and video system is frozen and I can’t un-stick it.”

I said, “Yes I see that, the man in the instructional video is still putting on his life vest for a water landing.”

“We have for lunch today Tortellini or Steak.”

“I’ll have the steak,” I said.

About a half hour later he was back with his clip board and pencil and said we have a change in the menu.  I said, “In mid flight?”

He said, “Yes the steak is actually chicken.”

I said, “Did we fly into a flock?”

“No it was a computer mix-up.”

“I’ll have the chicken, as long as it’s not clucking.”